Being a lover for the first time can be wonderful but it can also be terrible. I have heard stories of people who have come back from honeymoon still virgins as they were unsuccessful in their love making. I have also heard of women who called home in tears from their honeymoon as sex either hadn’t happened successfully or was too painful. Sex for the first time can be very traumatic and the key to success is preparation.
I remember a time when I was at a friend’s wedding. They had just exchanged their vows and rings and were about to exit the church building. Looking at them I realised that although they had done all that was legally required to be married they were still not married. Their marriage had to be consummated. This was the important part, the part that made them married. It was a beautiful revelation to me at the time as I had not been a virgin bride and never had the pleasure of knowing such a precious moment.
The Bible speaks of this consummation as becoming one flesh in Genesis 2:24 where is says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh”. Mark 10:8 says, “and the two shall become one flesh’; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh”. These verses paint a clear picture that marriage is not about living together or doing life with someone but it is a uniting of two people resulting in one person. There are no longer two bodies (two individual people), but now there is one body (one married couple). This new body is to become the priority over previous relationships, especially the ties to parents.
Divorce is the opposite, it is the violent tearing apart of this one flesh which is why it is so painful. Do not give yourself to a man with divorce as an option if things don’t work out. If you don’t think you can manage a lifetime with the man you have chosen rather don’t marry. The pain of breaking up a non-sexual relationship or the pain of loneliness while waiting for the right man is far less painful than breaking apart what was once one flesh.
Sex is not only a coming together of two people but it is also a blood covenant. When a couple have sex for the first time the woman’s hymen will break and bleed a little. This is a profoundly beautiful moment where both husband and wife enter into a blood covenant. It is a once in a lifetime experience. Only one person ever gets to break your virginity and you and he share something that you cannot share with anyone else ever again. A blood covenant is the strongest type of covenant that you will ever experience. Jesus death for you is one blood covenant and your first time with your husband is another one. Malachi 2:14 says, “…she is your companion and your wife by covenant.” This covenant is extremely precious.
A virgin bride will need to start her physical preparations by reading about sex and understanding how her body works. Some virgins recommend stretching their vagina before the wedding night but you don’t want to stretch it too much and hurt yourself.
Your vagina is designed to expand naturally during sex but if you want to prepare simply take a lubricant such as KY Jelly, please it on your finger and rub inside of your vagina with your finger. Once you are comfortable with that put two fingers inside of your vagina and stretch them apart slightly and rub back and forth. Sex is mostly in your mind so getting comfortable and familiar with your body is a good idea at this stage. Don’t be embarrassed about touching yourself in preparation for your wedding night, you will be more comfortable if you are able to see yourself as a sexual being. Your main preparation for your wedding night will be your mind. Understand that sex is fun and that you will experience amazing, intensely wonderful things that your body has never experienced before. Keep this in mind rather than pain that may or may not occur on your wedding night. Don’t be alarmed if you hymen is already torn slightly, this can happen by using tampons and from various sports. It doesn’t mean you are not a virgin and it is unlikely to be fully broken. When the hymen breaks it can be painful at times but some women find it to be pleasurable when it breaks and some have no feeling at all.
A man needs to prepare mentally for sex in the same way that a woman does, too much pressure could cause him to be unable to get an erection. Sex is meant to be fun for both husband and wife and is all about loving each other. A man’s physical preparation is minimal unless he has a foreskin. For some men, the head of the penis remains covered during erection which can be uncomfortable, painful and even cause bleeding when having sex for the first time. It is very important that the man prepares for his first time by doing foreskin stretching exercises until the foreskin is able to retract comfortably. The foreskin plays a large part in the pleasure of the sexual experience as it is has many nerves that lead to sexual pleasure.
To start the stretching exercises insert two fingers inside the foreskin and gently stretch outwards. Do this every day for about five minutes a day or several times a day. Never stretch it further than it will go, let the pain tell you when to stop as there is no need to hurt yourself. Once you are comfortable with that start pulling your foreskin back further and further every day until it goes pass the head of your penis. Don’t attempt to do this all at once as you could damage yourself. Your foreskin may not retract fully when you are erect, but in time it will start to. It’s best to do these exercises when you are relaxed and perhaps in the bath or shower when your skin is warm and supple. It is good to start several months before you get married as it does take time. It could be a couple of weeks before you start to see any results at all and a couple of months before you can comfortably move your foreskin back and forth over the head of your penis. Don’t be tempted to masturbate as it’s a habit you might not be able to let go of once you are married but if you accidentally ‘spill over’ don’t feel guilty either.
The Wedding Night
Sex is not just about getting the penis into the vagina – there is so much more to it than that. A well prepared and stimulated vagina will find sex pleasurable right from the start even if the penis doesn’t manage to fully penetrate the vagina the first time.
Foreplay is an essential ingredient for great sex. When a man and a women spend time arousing each other all sorts of wonderful things go on inside of their bodies to prepare them for sex. Pheromones are released which cause you to be attracted to each other so having cuddles and kisses will help you both feel in the mood. They are secreted from the sweat glands in your armpits and from your pubic area. Pheromones produce a subtle sexual fragrance that is given off by the aroused person and inhaled by your partner to send a signal that you are sexually aroused. If both of you are sending off pheromones then you are both causing each other to become more aroused too and so the cycle begins.
Once you are aroused, oestrogen is released in the woman, which will lubricate the vagina and increase sexual desire. Testosterone then kicks in for the man which brings on his erection. Then serotonin activates various areas of the brain to provoke erections of the nipples, clitoris and penis. This whole process of foreplay is essential in helping the blood accumulate in the penis and clitoris to allow erection and pleasure. Skipping foreplay is skipping all this hormonal activity which is essential for pleasurable sex. Fear, stress or guilt can interfere with stimulation which will cause loss of sensitivity in the vagina. It is essential to be relaxed and enjoy sex or else you will not experience pleasure and could even experience pain because your vagina will not be ready to receive the penis. Being properly aroused causes your vagina to open up to nearly double the size. If you are having trouble with sex perhaps spend more time in fondling each other. The physical aim of sex is for both parties to experience an orgasm so sex isn’t over until both the husband and the wife have had pleasure. The husband’s concern needs to be his wife’s pleasure and the wife’s concern should be her husband’s pleasure. Once a woman has had an orgasm her body is the most ready for a man to enter her. At first you might not be able to achieve orgasm as you are still getting used to each other’s body but don’t stop trying until you both manage to feel the euphoria that comes with full sexual climax. It is actually physically harmful to be aroused regularly without reaching a climax.
On your wedding night your husband can stretch his new wife’s hymen so intercourse is less painful. He does this by taking a generous amount of artificial lubricant such as KY Jelly on one of his fingers and then he can very gently slide it in his bride’s vagina going back and forth several times until she feels relaxed and comfortable with what he is doing. He can then increase the pressure a little and use two or three fingers to begin the stretching. Take plenty of time, don’t rush this and stop if either one of you become uncomfortable. Three fingers mean she is ready for intercourse. Making love for the first time needs to be an unselfish time. The husband needs to take his time both in preparation and during intercourse. Don’t shove the penis in but rather wiggle it around and work it in slowly. Make sure it’s really wet before you try to go in all the way. It is very likely that sex might not happen on the first night and you might need one or two more times of preparation and stretching before you succeed. It’s not the end of the world if you have a wait a few days, after all you do have the rest of your lives together.
It is also possible that the husband will climax during the stretching time or at any point before actually have sex. This could even happen several times and is perfectly normal. Keep a hand towel handy, wipe up and carry on playing together.
Men usually need a nap after sex and if it’s night time they will sleep deeply after sex. It is very important that both the husband and wife and ready to sleep and that the wife is not left alone after sex. Also, it’s important that the wife doesn’t demand too much after sex either. Understand each other’s needs, spend a fair amount of time cuddling if that’s what you need and allow each other time to wind down afterwards.
Find out more about Being a Lover here
or get in touch to host your own Girl’s Night